But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [Surat Baqarah, Verse 216]
What is the taboo on mental illness in the Muslim community?
Stranger: It’s the exact same thing as the American community. We face the exact same issue. People will think you’re “crazy,” “handicapped,” “weak,” “can’t control your emotions.” But with the Muslim community, you have to add a layer of “oh you don’t pray enough.” You know, it’s not about prayer. You don’t say to a person that’s diabetic “you don’t pray enough.” Why do you treat depression differently? Because it’s in the mind and not the body? Well, in the end it’s also in your body… it just starts off in the head.
When did you know you were suffering from depression?
Stranger: I first got treated for it two years ago because a doctor who studied psychology pushed me to take a test the first time I met with him. I kind of lied on the test because I was narrow minded. There’s actually this video by the World Health Organization about Mental Health Care day and they highlighted depression that day. In the video, this guy was going about his life and he was constantly followed around by this dog and that dog represented depression. That dog was constantly bothering him or taking up space. And I was like whoa… I feel that way all the time. (Watch the video here).
So, I had another appointment coming up and at this point, my depression was physically manifesting in me. I was losing hair and gaining weight. It didn’t make any sense because I was working out and eating healthy. I went to like three doctors and at this point they were running blood tests and giving me so many medications. Nothing was working. And that’s when the doctor gave me another test and I lied on the first one but I was honest on this one. That’s when he pulled me aside and said “we need to talk about this first because you’re showing signs of this and that.” He recommended me to a therapist and medication and that started my 5 month… I guess you could say...journey to recovery. I’ve been doing alright alhamdulillah, sometimes it flares up.
Why’d you lie on the first test?
Stranger: I was self-conscious of it. I didn’t understand what it was. I was so used to the idea of “you don’t pray enough, you’re weak…” People think you’re crazy if you’re getting mental health care. The first thing they think of is someone in a straight jacket. So that stereotype is huge and people are afraid to get treatment because of it.
A lot of the homeless people out here have gone through stuff that led them to not be able to function and because it doesn’t get treated, it just gets worse. That guy that got water thrown at him in the Mcdonald’s drive thru, he has mental illness. He came back from Vietnam, went through a lot of traumatic experiences, went through a divorce and all of that together and he ended up homeless. He even went to jail and got out in 2013 to be treated like that out here on the streets. He’s a homeless man at a Mcdonald’s. So there are so many things that cause people not to go in but that’s the biggest one. So when I hear people degrading others who get treated for mental illness, you’re just spewing ignorance and doing more harm than good.
Can you briefly explain the events that led up to the depression.
Stranger: It’s a lot of things, it’s never one thing. I had a lot of deaths in my family. Family and later on family friends. My grandma passed and she was overseas so I didn’t get to see her when she passed. I helped take care of a relative who had heart surgery and he was in such high spirits, doing well and making plans for the future and then… he was gone. After that, it was a series of deaths. When my grandfather died, that really hit me. I couldn’t live like this anymore. It wasn’t normal… that’s when I came to the realization that I had to get help because all I’d been doing was consoling others and not even getting the chance to recover. It was happening month after month. It’s weird that every year I’d think “who’s going now”.
And just the changes happening in my life. As you get older, there is more responsibility. From the outside it looked great, I graduated, got a great job. But those were transitions I wasn’t fully ready for no matter how positive they were.
Describe it [as a feeling].
Stranger: How do you feel on a cloudy rainy day that you made a plan to hang out with friends and you only have this one day off the entire month and then it breaks apart because there’s a storm outside.
Me: Disappointed.
Stranger: Yeah, that’s the closest thing I could say to a person who doesn’t have it but everyday you wake up feeling that. Everyday you just expect the worst to happen and it does or you think it will. Things just get magnified in your mind and you don’t realize it. It’s like a sad, disappointed feeling everyday. Hopelessness would be the biggest thing. A lot of people give up, drop off, screw up at their job and get fired. You’re not looked at as a person anymore. In the workplace, you can’t really say “my depression is acting up” when you’re having a bad day.
What was the reaction from your family and friends and what do you wish the reaction would’ve been.
Stranger: To date, only one person really knows what I was going through. I recently had a conversation with my mom but I don’t think she fully accepted it because the next day she sounded very different towards me so I don’t know if it stuck with her or not. I can tell she’s gone through a similar situation but I don’t think she’s fully accepting of the idea that it is a mental illness. My friends were there and gave me space. I’m kind of happy that they reacted that way. A lot of them made themselves available to me. I’ve always dealt with things on my own so I saw it happening the way I’d want it to happen.
Where did faith play into this whole situation?
Stranger: Honestly, some days it was hard to get up and pray but that was my mindset towards everything in life. Afterwards, religion felt a little more fulfilling. That’s something I realize people don’t see. They constantly attack and judge and are so critical as people they view as having “low iman”. They don’t realize they’re still people and if you’d look at faith objectively and understand that their health is probably suffering which is why they’re not willing to do certain things, it would make conversation about this a bit easier.
A lot of people turn to weed and alcohol to treat this because it’s accessible. Instead of just assuming they’re trying to have a good time, think about “why are they trying to escape?”. It’s you don’t want to see your reality for what it is so you try to find an escape. We’re losing people in the community, you’ve got to realize it’s more than just your faith, your health still matters.
Were you ever on any medication?
Stranger: Yeah, my doctor recommended it. I’m not a fan of medication. But I wanted to reclaim my life faster. When I started to get treated, the first few days, it was like: WHOA. I haven’t felt this way since… and I’d spend the day trying to remember when I last felt good about myself. I did therapy. I purposely took it at half the dose. I talked to my therapist about it and my doctor too was supportive of me getting off the medication. After I got off of it, I still continued my talk therapy. So two months of medication out of the total five/six months of treatment. So that medication was like the kickstart I needed. The rest of the way I used therapy to face my issues and figure out coping mechanisms and stuff like that.
Talk to me about treatment.
Stranger: So regarding treatment, everyone’s is different. There’s no one size fits all treatment. I was very fortunate to find a doctor that was accepting of me being on medication and talk therapy. I realize this because I had a friend who had a really bad experience. If you had a bad experience, don’t give up on treatment. Find a doctor that is a better fit for you.
It’s a learning process and takes effort on your part to learn from what you’re taught and treated with. That friend I mentioned went to another doctor and is having a night and day difference now. Statistics wise, you have a high chance of relapse so I have to have a doctor in my mind to go to when needed. Just look at the stats and do your homework.
This is a tough one, so if you don’t want to answer it, you don’t have to. Did you ever contemplate suicide?
Stranger: No. Thoughts of death did come up a lot, though. You just become really obsessed with it, like what’ll happen in the world when I’m gone. I thought about how easily you can go. After the treatment, it wasn’t as bad. So it wasn’t suicide but death as a concept came up a lot. I did become reckless though. I put myself in situations where things could’ve gone really bad.
What do you wish you knew back then that you know now?
Stranger: I wish I got treated for it sooner. I wish there was more people advocating for it. Seeing people in your community advocating for mental health normalizes it a bit.
What advice would you give to someone suffering from depression?
Stranger: For one, they won’t know if they are or not so they should seek help. I had friends who were also suffering from depression and later got treated but they didn’t know it at the time. No matter if you’re really successful or if you’re at the bottom of a pit, you’re susceptible to it. It’s not selective. Even many celebrities are going on record talking about their experience. It’s makes you empathetic when you’ve gone through it…
Can you think of any community resources/projects/initiatives that would be helpful when it comes to this issue?
There are community workshops for first responders to mental illness. That would be cool to get involved with if you want to learn how to identify it and how to approach people with issues. Find out where some of these treatment centers are and ask the workers what you can do to help. Email a therapist and ask what can help. Or just finding the Muslim therapists and having the resource in your mind. For example, having a Muslim therapist was very helpful to me. It a blessing in disguise, she understood my depression but also understood the pressure I had on me as a Muslim. Support the people that are doing it, as a therapist, you need help yourself because hearing out people’s issues really takes a toll on you.
END NOTE:
Please take this moment to make duaa for our stranger who shared her struggle with us to learn and grow from.
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H.Al