And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. [Surah A-Rum Verse 21]
When you were younger, what age did you expect to get married?So when I was younger, I always thought that I’d get married when I was 25 or 30 after I graduate college. I always thought “okay, after my bachelors, I’ll get married, after my masters, I’ll get married.” I never thought of young marriage.
What were your earlier thoughts on youth marriage?
Before Islamic school, I thought “ I’m not getting married at 16. What is that?” My perspective changed on it. At first I thought you should finish college and if you get married young, it’ll stop you. But after I went to Islamic school and I saw people getting married young AND finishing their education, I believed that I could do it. Personally, I believed it was a protection for me. I had friends that dated and I didn’t want temptations or to be a part of that life. If I’m married while in college, I won’t think about that. The only thing that scared me was having a baby early and not being able to finish college. But, I have a baby now and alhamdulillah I’m still going. When I was coming near my senior year of high school, I didn’t think I’d get married before college, I thought I’d still get married after college, but Allah is the best Planner.
Describe your experience with accepting your proposal and going through the marriage process so young.
It’s crazy, my father told me about the proposal and he had been talking to the guy before he told me. But he told me after I had turned 18. At first, I didn’t give an answer because I was thinking about someone else who I was interested in. But silence is consent so I said “my answer is no.” Alhamdulillah, after I made istikhara, it was crazy. It felt like my istikhara was pointing me towards him [who had proposed] when deciding between the two people I was interested in. I felt like Allah chose him for me because after I had prayed istikhara, and after I went to bed, I started reading surat Rahman. I started to think about those verses differently when they kept repeating “and which of your Lords favors will you deny.” Instead of thinking about Allah’s creations, I was thinking about the privileges Allah gave us. It can a privilege and one of Allah’s favors that he has brought a good person to you at a young age. Some people wait later and time and Allah is the best Planner and He’s giving it to me now. He doesn’t have to give it to me now. I viewed that as Allah’s favor.
It’s really quite sad that I was scared to tell some of my friends that I’m getting married young because I was thinking they’re gonna judge me but I was more comfortable telling non-Muslims I’m getting married. That kind of hurt me so I didn’t tell a lot of my friends until after the nikkah happened. It hurt me because I wanted that support but people were calling my dad asking me if I was gonna finish college or if he was forcing me. That kind of depressed me because it was a choice I was making and everyone was making it seem like I was making a bad decision.
Who did you speak to/get advice from throughout your marriage process? Why did you interact with those specific people?
I spoke to my father because we have a really great relationship. My mother and I didn’t really speak about it. My father would tell me “you know, if you’re not ready make sure you tell me” and things like that. I spoke to my imam’s wife because I was comfortable talking to someone who studied [Islam]. I didn’t really seek advice from my circle of friends because I felt judged about getting married young. So I’d watch Islamic lectures and ask religious leaders. I had one specific friend who told me she was proud of me and I was a good role model. My sister was always there and she made me look at it in a positive way.
How did your relationship with Allah play into this experience?
Doing istikhara was what brought me to it because at first I said no. I went to the mesjid and I said “Allah, give me a sign that he’s the one.” My husband would give khutbah once a month at my mesjid but the day he choose to give khutbah was the day after I made istikhara. He was talking about stuff that I care about because I wanted to make sure this guy was someone who passionate about youth like I am. His khutbah was about youth and I was just like throughout the khutbah “God, why him, I didn’t want this answer.” Personally, I did this for spiritual reasons, I didn’t do it for money or this and that. I specifically wanted to complete have my deen. I didn’t want to go out into college and this world of temptation so I did it, hopefully, for the sake of Allah.
What are your thoughts on the Islamic marriage process? How does this benefit/not benefit youth getting marriage?
I think it’s so structured and organized if you don’t bring the culture in. Mine was complicated because of the culture. The Islamic process is so simple and it’s always working towards the woman’s favor. For example the dowry, it’s so beautiful, that’s her gift and something she can have. I really wish my family went strictly Islamic and it wasn’t so culturally involved because it made it stressful. I would’ve wanted a small nikkah and a small walimah. The Islamic process helps you keep yourself grounded and be cautious when you’re fiances. The Islamic process is a form of protection and it’s so beautiful and has guidelines that benefit.
What is the main challenge in being so young and married for you?
So for me, I’m trying to finish college on time because I don’t want people thinking “of course she didn’t finish college on time, she got married young and had a child young.” My child doesn’t keep me from doing my work because she’s young and she likes to play but sometimes I wanna be involved on campus but I also have to give time to my daughter so she can get to know. So I don’t have the time to be socially involved. But I don’t see a challenge other than that. Alhamdulillah, if I’m stressed, I have my best friend at home and we can talk about it, I’m not thinking about dating or the temptations. But like, if you and your husband wanna go to the movies and remember you have a baby so other than that, I don’t really see a challenge. Alhamdulillah, God is the best of Planners.
What advice do you have to youth who want to get married young?
Istikhara, istikhara, istikhara. Stop thinking about what others are gonna say, people are gonna talk when you do good, people are gonna talk when you do bad. If your heart wants it, pray istikhara. Make sure you are marrying somebody you can imagine walking through the gates of jannah with. Make sure you marry somebody who will make you better in this life and in the next life. Don’t look at their pockets, or their beauty. Make sure your first priority is spirituality. What can I learn from him/her, how can he/she encourage me Islamically and academically? Not someone who is gonna pull you down and make you do wrong. Make duaa about it and ask Allah about it and have the right reasons. Not because you want to get out of your parents house or want to have a halal boyfriend/girlfriend. Marry because you want to complete half your deen or want protection and this is the right person. Marry because this is forever to the next life, not a 72 hours Kardashian wedding. Surround yourself with people who will give you honest advice.
What advice do you have to youth who are currently married?
Don’t look at what TV says marriage is. Don’t even look at the instagramer hijabis who take pretty pictures with their husbands. Do not compare your marriage to anybody's. Remember why you went into the marriage and don’t focus on “I could’ve done this and that if I wasn’t married young.” Keep Allah in your marriage and look at the good in your marriage and think about how it can improve. That’s my number one advice to youth: “DON’T compare your marriage to what you see on facebook or instagram or a superficial idea of marriage.”
Can you think of any community resources/projects/initiatives that would be helpful when it comes to this issue?
We need more social workers in our community, we don’t think about pre-marital counseling but that’s important! When we have marriage seminars geared toward young marriage.
END NOTE:
Please take this moment to make duaa for our stranger who shared her struggle with us to learn and grow from.
Feel free to share, like and comment. If you'd like to be interviewed, email me through the contact form linked at the top of the website.
H.Al
If you personally are interested in being interviewed or know someone that may be interested, click on the contact tab at the top of the page and email with the subject line "Let the Strangers Speak Interview." Interviews can be conducted in person or by phone and are anonymous.
When you were younger, what age did you expect to get married?So when I was younger, I always thought that I’d get married when I was 25 or 30 after I graduate college. I always thought “okay, after my bachelors, I’ll get married, after my masters, I’ll get married.” I never thought of young marriage.
What were your earlier thoughts on youth marriage?
Before Islamic school, I thought “ I’m not getting married at 16. What is that?” My perspective changed on it. At first I thought you should finish college and if you get married young, it’ll stop you. But after I went to Islamic school and I saw people getting married young AND finishing their education, I believed that I could do it. Personally, I believed it was a protection for me. I had friends that dated and I didn’t want temptations or to be a part of that life. If I’m married while in college, I won’t think about that. The only thing that scared me was having a baby early and not being able to finish college. But, I have a baby now and alhamdulillah I’m still going. When I was coming near my senior year of high school, I didn’t think I’d get married before college, I thought I’d still get married after college, but Allah is the best Planner.
Describe your experience with accepting your proposal and going through the marriage process so young.
It’s crazy, my father told me about the proposal and he had been talking to the guy before he told me. But he told me after I had turned 18. At first, I didn’t give an answer because I was thinking about someone else who I was interested in. But silence is consent so I said “my answer is no.” Alhamdulillah, after I made istikhara, it was crazy. It felt like my istikhara was pointing me towards him [who had proposed] when deciding between the two people I was interested in. I felt like Allah chose him for me because after I had prayed istikhara, and after I went to bed, I started reading surat Rahman. I started to think about those verses differently when they kept repeating “and which of your Lords favors will you deny.” Instead of thinking about Allah’s creations, I was thinking about the privileges Allah gave us. It can a privilege and one of Allah’s favors that he has brought a good person to you at a young age. Some people wait later and time and Allah is the best Planner and He’s giving it to me now. He doesn’t have to give it to me now. I viewed that as Allah’s favor.
It’s really quite sad that I was scared to tell some of my friends that I’m getting married young because I was thinking they’re gonna judge me but I was more comfortable telling non-Muslims I’m getting married. That kind of hurt me so I didn’t tell a lot of my friends until after the nikkah happened. It hurt me because I wanted that support but people were calling my dad asking me if I was gonna finish college or if he was forcing me. That kind of depressed me because it was a choice I was making and everyone was making it seem like I was making a bad decision.
Who did you speak to/get advice from throughout your marriage process? Why did you interact with those specific people?
I spoke to my father because we have a really great relationship. My mother and I didn’t really speak about it. My father would tell me “you know, if you’re not ready make sure you tell me” and things like that. I spoke to my imam’s wife because I was comfortable talking to someone who studied [Islam]. I didn’t really seek advice from my circle of friends because I felt judged about getting married young. So I’d watch Islamic lectures and ask religious leaders. I had one specific friend who told me she was proud of me and I was a good role model. My sister was always there and she made me look at it in a positive way.
How did your relationship with Allah play into this experience?
Doing istikhara was what brought me to it because at first I said no. I went to the mesjid and I said “Allah, give me a sign that he’s the one.” My husband would give khutbah once a month at my mesjid but the day he choose to give khutbah was the day after I made istikhara. He was talking about stuff that I care about because I wanted to make sure this guy was someone who passionate about youth like I am. His khutbah was about youth and I was just like throughout the khutbah “God, why him, I didn’t want this answer.” Personally, I did this for spiritual reasons, I didn’t do it for money or this and that. I specifically wanted to complete have my deen. I didn’t want to go out into college and this world of temptation so I did it, hopefully, for the sake of Allah.
What are your thoughts on the Islamic marriage process? How does this benefit/not benefit youth getting marriage?
I think it’s so structured and organized if you don’t bring the culture in. Mine was complicated because of the culture. The Islamic process is so simple and it’s always working towards the woman’s favor. For example the dowry, it’s so beautiful, that’s her gift and something she can have. I really wish my family went strictly Islamic and it wasn’t so culturally involved because it made it stressful. I would’ve wanted a small nikkah and a small walimah. The Islamic process helps you keep yourself grounded and be cautious when you’re fiances. The Islamic process is a form of protection and it’s so beautiful and has guidelines that benefit.
What is the main challenge in being so young and married for you?
So for me, I’m trying to finish college on time because I don’t want people thinking “of course she didn’t finish college on time, she got married young and had a child young.” My child doesn’t keep me from doing my work because she’s young and she likes to play but sometimes I wanna be involved on campus but I also have to give time to my daughter so she can get to know. So I don’t have the time to be socially involved. But I don’t see a challenge other than that. Alhamdulillah, if I’m stressed, I have my best friend at home and we can talk about it, I’m not thinking about dating or the temptations. But like, if you and your husband wanna go to the movies and remember you have a baby so other than that, I don’t really see a challenge. Alhamdulillah, God is the best of Planners.
What advice do you have to youth who want to get married young?
Istikhara, istikhara, istikhara. Stop thinking about what others are gonna say, people are gonna talk when you do good, people are gonna talk when you do bad. If your heart wants it, pray istikhara. Make sure you are marrying somebody you can imagine walking through the gates of jannah with. Make sure you marry somebody who will make you better in this life and in the next life. Don’t look at their pockets, or their beauty. Make sure your first priority is spirituality. What can I learn from him/her, how can he/she encourage me Islamically and academically? Not someone who is gonna pull you down and make you do wrong. Make duaa about it and ask Allah about it and have the right reasons. Not because you want to get out of your parents house or want to have a halal boyfriend/girlfriend. Marry because you want to complete half your deen or want protection and this is the right person. Marry because this is forever to the next life, not a 72 hours Kardashian wedding. Surround yourself with people who will give you honest advice.
What advice do you have to youth who are currently married?
Don’t look at what TV says marriage is. Don’t even look at the instagramer hijabis who take pretty pictures with their husbands. Do not compare your marriage to anybody's. Remember why you went into the marriage and don’t focus on “I could’ve done this and that if I wasn’t married young.” Keep Allah in your marriage and look at the good in your marriage and think about how it can improve. That’s my number one advice to youth: “DON’T compare your marriage to what you see on facebook or instagram or a superficial idea of marriage.”
Can you think of any community resources/projects/initiatives that would be helpful when it comes to this issue?
We need more social workers in our community, we don’t think about pre-marital counseling but that’s important! When we have marriage seminars geared toward young marriage.
END NOTE:
Please take this moment to make duaa for our stranger who shared her struggle with us to learn and grow from.
Feel free to share, like and comment. If you'd like to be interviewed, email me through the contact form linked at the top of the website.
H.Al
If you personally are interested in being interviewed or know someone that may be interested, click on the contact tab at the top of the page and email with the subject line "Let the Strangers Speak Interview." Interviews can be conducted in person or by phone and are anonymous.