As I moved into adolescence, the care-free days were over. Now, the framework of halal/haraam, which used to provide me guidance, started to choke and constrict me. My adolescent years, especially as a young girl from a more conservative community, were framed by halal, haram and overwhelming shame. Don’t get me wrong, Islam does not exist without halal/haram. But it is only one arm (fiqh) of an entire body that was hidden from me.
Adolescence is defined by the journey to understand one’s self as an autonomous individual with principles, values, goals and life. I was always told Islam is a deen… a way of life. So why was I left with what felt like only rules, like a roadmap with directions but no destination. I’d ask God for guidance and just hope He would deliver it. At one point, the overwhelming shame morphs into a guilt-the kind you’d do anything to get rid of. But I, a product of community practices that birthed inaccessibility, had no idea where to begin. “Go to a scholar:” The scholars of my community were unapproachable by youth. We were only the subject of interest in extremes: when we were a young Muslim with an addiction or running away.
Many would give their advice. “Find a teacher:” How? If the only knowledgeable ones in the community were either scholars cut off from society, male students of knowledge who spent 90% of their time speaking to male audiences or female students of knowledge who had such limited time to give to the community, who would be the teacher. “Read books:” I honestly didn’t know where to find such books or the money to buy them. Plus, reading without someone to ask questions to can easily become disastrous.
Needless to say, I was left to my own devices. And by devices, I meant a cell phone and a laptop. I got my first iphone and a hand me down laptop (thanks Khadigah <3) when I was 15 years old. Youtube’s world domination was beginning and with that came construction of the “virtual Islamic space.” An endless archive of videos on topics of all sorts. It was as if I’d entered a bright, new world. I would watch videos of Sh. Omar Suleiman, Sh. Yusha Evans, Sh. Yusef Estes, Sh. Hussein Yee and Sh. Said Rage.
Remember that guilt I mentioned earlier? I realized that guilt was a symptom of my disease of not knowing God. So every night before and after homework, I’d watch these scholars describe Allah, His characteristics and attributes. I learned of God’s overwhelming mercy and compassion. I learned about His beloved prophets and occasionally about the companions of Muhammad (saw). I learned about His Day of Judgement and His Hereafter. I learned of His justice, His generosity, appreciation and dominion. I learned about how the prophet Muhammad (saw) coped with sadness and stress. I learned about tawbah (repentance) and perfecting the art of duaa. In summary, I learned my aqeedah on Youtube.
Gradually, more and more doors began to open for me. As the virtual Islamic space continued to grow, the community work did as well. So circles of knowledge were becoming more accessible. When I finally was able to drive, I’d take myself to these circles. My introduction to MAS (Muslim American Society) widened these horizons more than I could ever thank God for. In university, the MSA gave me the opportunity to give that back to others.
Youtube had lit a fire that pushed me to learn more and more as well as systematically. Now, I wasn’t just watching random videos on my feed, but I was studying tafseer of Quran, I was learning the 40 hadith of Nawawi. I was learning the differences of fiqh based on different matha-hab (Islamic schools of thought). I was learning from the books of world-renowned scholars about adab/manners, seerah, Islamic history, Islamic-based activism, and famous companions. My 15 year old self never would’ve been able to imagine what the trajectory of knowledge would have been.
Throughout this journey, my worship evolved tremendously. I’m honestly so grateful for the path that was set for me and the internal satisfaction it brings, even in the toughest of times. I never claim to be perfect and there’s so much I secretly need to work on. But one of my life commitments is, out of the thankfulness for what has been afforded to me, I’ll continue to do the work to increase accessibility to knowledge to my community… beyond Youtube.
H. Al.
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